5 Ways to Figure Out if Your Girlfriend is A Robot or Not

Welcome back to another week of unsolicited advice.  Following in the footsteps of Lady Gaga, this blog is becoming bi-weekly for the remainder of the Summer, but will return to hetero-weekly in the Fall. Jumping right in, this week’s post is an extremely important one.  As the title suggests, here are 5 ways to figure out if your girlfriend is a robot or not.  We will also go so far as to determine, based on the number of robot-like qualities she has, which type of robot she is.  Because our scientific research team is that good.  Here we go. 

Dear Matthew, 

My girlfriend has secrecy issues. She rarely tells me what she is doing or has done. If I ask her a question, she will analyze my words and tell me I did not ask in the correct way so she won’t answer. I then change the question but she tells me only the first question counts. Then she gets angry and I apologize because I don’t want to have an argument over something not worth it. All this happens over the phone because I am in the United States and she is in Asia. (I plan to move to her city soon.)

 

She says she has obsessive-compulsive disorder so I have to be careful what I say. Once her OCD kicks in, it takes her a long time to be happy again so I always end up acquiescing.

She also won’t tell her family anything. I decided to talk to her about it, so I mentioned wanting to talk about our last phone conversation. She immediately got upset and told me she thought we had a good conversation but now I am making it unpleasant and maybe we should have not talked. I had to change the subject. If I had told her my true feelings, she would have gotten angry and not spoken to me for a week.

I love my girlfriend so I always end up apologizing but I really think I am not doing the right thing by letting this issue pass by. Even when I am with her, she gives me the silent treatment when she does not want to answer questions. Am I letting her bully me? I feel like a puppy that wants 100 percent affirmation.

-H.

Dear H,

You are in serious trouble my friend.  Secrecy issues? Questions that “do not compute“?  Extreme OCD to the point of actually malfunctioning. AND SHE’S IN ASIA?!?!?!?!?!  If you are John Connors, PLEASE FIND SHELTER. THE SAFETY OF THE UNIVERSE DEPENDS ON YOUR LEADERSHIP AGAINST THE MACHINES!

Assuming you are not John Connors, however, and that your cyborg assassin terminator girlfriend from the future has already completed her mission by killing you, let’s use your likely painful death as an example to the rest of our readers for how to figure out if your girlfriend is a robot and which type of robot she is.   

1. Your girlfriend is way too good to you.  She is always down for whatever you want to do, and never complains.  She thanks you for a great night after you get drunk and pass out with your friends.  When you go out to dinner, she pays.  She often offers to “run two’s” with you while playing Fifa and emphatically yells “watch out!” while you play Call of Duty online. 

-If you can say yes to any of these, HOLD ON TO THIS ONE! Decommissioned in 2004 after the movie was a major flop, you’ve managed to bag yourself a Stepford Wife. I just hope for your sake she’s a little more Faith Hill and a little less Bette Midler, ya dig?

2.  When you fight, she wins. Every time.  She takes a lot of pleasure, often too much, in beating you at things.  You often tread lightly because the slightest misguided comment could start an all-out war.  She has a firey spirit and a wardrobe to match.  Her idea of foreplay is pinning you down until you cry.

-Sound about right? Congratulations, you’re dating a FemBot. This particular type of robot is only dangerous if you are an inferior mate, and assuming you don’t have HALF the mojo of Austin Powers, you better step up your game real quick. Otherwise, this could be you.  Proceed with caution.

3.  Your girlfriend had a cool look in the 80’s, but just seems out of place now. Incapable of subtly, she always makes an entrance, often wrecking something in the process.  Sometimes you wonder if she’s from another planet.  She will NOT stop talking about that fucking All Spark.  Her jokes often fall flat and occasionally have some majorly racist undertones.  Her only redeeming quality is that she transforms into a car.  

-Blech. You’re dating an AutoBot.  Break up with her immediately.  Avoid getting run over. 

4. Your girlfriend loves to coddle you.  She is extremely nurturing and very maternal.  She always wants you to be happy and will do whatever it takes to make you happy, but don’t be fooled; she is one tough mother.  Cross her and you will feel her wrath.  She’d truly be the perfect girlfriend if not for her mean streak. 

-You’re dating Katey Sagal, the robot from the Disney Original Movie “Smart House”.  Better than Katey Sagal from “Married with Children” right?????

5. Your girlfriend is wildly intelligent, with a dry, witty sense of humor to boot.  Sometimes you think that you’re the only one that can understand her, but that makes your relationship even more special.  Occasionally her mischievous nature will get you into trouble, but she is always there to bail you out.  Always seeming to find her way into an adventure, you’re happy to go along for the ride with her.  Her only flaws are that she is unusually tiny and speaks in whistles and beeps.

-That’s right; you’re dating R2-D2. Confused about your sexuality!? It’s a fucking robot dude, chill out.  You can wait a few months before you tell your parents you’re a robosexual.  

Cheers,

Matthew

Prenups to Prenips: Why George Clooney Has it Right

Welcome back to another year of unwarranted advice from yours truly.  It’s time once again to shame those that need shaming and to hand out judgment like a homeless man passing out newspapers above my subway; aggressively and without teeth.  Now to business.  This post comes from “Frazzled Fiancee” asking about a topic that never fails to be juicy: prenuptial agreements.  Click here to read the original article. Here we go.

Dear Matthew,

I’m supposed to be getting married next month but my fiance just asked me for a prenuptial agreement and I don’t know what to do. This stems from his ex-wife who was a gold digger who tried to bleed him dry; now he’s trying to protect himself. However, I’m not her and I feel offended that he would make such a request of me. I am educated, professionally established and we are not far apart economically.

 My objection is based on the fact that I subscribe to the simple notion that if you don’t trust a person, then you shouldn’t marry that person, and I resent being asked to “prove” my good intentions.  

Although I love him deeply, I’m not sure I can marry someone who wants a “fail-safe” back-up plan for himself, when I’d trust him enough to move away and give up my career to take care of him and raise a family.

Marriage shouldn’t have an escape route, making it easy to walk away. What should I do?

-Frazzled Fiancee

Dear Frazzled Fiancee,

As Admiral Gial Ackbar (yea, he’s got a first name. Amphibious arthropods have feelings too you know) so aptly put it in Return of the Jedi, what you are about to walk into is commonly referred to as “A TRAP!”.  Have you seen the Coen Brother’s film “Intolerable Cruelty”? Probably not.  It’s the dark horse of their filmography, an excellent effort but not as good as its predecessor “O Brother Where Art Thou?” but still way better than “The Ladykillers”. That movie sucked.  

Anyway.  

In the film, Catherine Zeta-Jones plays a lustfully intelligent gold digger who, through a reverse-psychological move that would have most psychotherapists shitting their pants, tricks George Clooney into forgoing a prenup and turning over his personal fortune to her. Sound familiar?

Through what Freud would describe as Penis Envy, your need to demonstrate your economic and educational value exposed your partner to the fact that you are just as wealthy if not wealthier than he is!  Way to go dummy! Why couldn’t you just be like all the other women and earn 81 cents to every man’s $1?!

(side note: Could someone please remind me why we give Freud so much credit? The same guy who theorized that we all want to sex-up our mothers also believes that all women wish they had penises. Be more like Quentin Tarantino, Freud.)  

And now, for the first time in presumably months or even years of dating, your fiance is just now bringing up the concept of a prenup, which you are ADAMANTLY opposed to?  If I’m him, I’m thinking “She took the bait hook line and sinker. First I drop the prenup, then on to phase two: Operation “Steal My New and Soon To Be Ex-Wife’s Fortune and Bleed Her Dry Like That Bitch Of An Ex-Wife Did To Me Oh Shit Did I Close The Front Door When I Left The House Just Now Oh Well I’m Sure I Did FUCK FUCK FUCK I Forgot To End The Title Of The Operation It’s Way Too Long Now I’ll Have To Give It An Acronym Maybe Something Like Operation PRENUP Yea I Like That OK Were Good”.  

You should have taken a lesson from the actual George Clooney, seemingly the only person in history smart enough to simply never make a serious commitment to any woman he has dated ever by avoiding marriage, thus circumventing the awkward prenup conversation all together.  Do you see what you’ve done!? Your bullheadedness has made George “Worst Batman Ever” Clooney sound like a genius! Stop fucking with the natural order of things!  Also, what was with that Batman costume George? Hard plastic nipples? We get it Tim Burton. The villain in your adaptation was Mr. Freeze, it was cold, hard nipples. Grow up, you weird-looking mofo.  And furthermore, Victor Fries is a Doctor, dammit. Show the man some respect.  Mr. Freeze. Pssh.

Listen lady. Your husband wants a prenup, so give him a damn prenup. That way you’re also protected, and in the “I owe you one” department you’re already up BIG TIME even before you’re officially married (can someone say INFINITE BACK RUBS 4 LYFE????). The fact is, marriage does have a escape routes.  In fact, it has several escape routes. And trust me, of all the escape route options marriage has, a prenup is definitely the easiest to clean up after. Case closed.  Next?

Cheers,

Matthew